To whom it may concern,
The forthcoming hiking activity does come as a thrill to me. But having reviewed the proposed hiking arrangement published on our school websites, I suggest you come up with an alternative plan as both the time and route leave much to be desired.
一般而言，此类作文的开头应该具有如下特点：
1）引出作文题目中的一些必要信息
2）表达写信目的
3）用一个类似于Thesis Statement (论题陈述)的句子，架构出下文结构。
As regards the time chosen, a majority of us students may find it awkward since this 3-day vacation is generally dedicated to other domestic purposes such as family gathering, trips, etc. Were it left to me to appoint a date for the hiking, I would select some day during the summer vacation.
第一处改进意见和理由用较为简短的语言带过。在引出问题的某个方面时，推荐使用一些专门的短语，比如：as far as … is concerned; in view of; with regard to; as regards等等。
However, my main opposition to the draft plan lies in the route starting from People’s Square to the Bund via Nanjing Road, which is no longer ideally meant for hiking. Speaking of these urban landmarks, the picture has already formed in mind where an overwhelming flow of passengers flock everywhere all year round. In some cases, sight-seers and hikers bang into each other and the resultant quarrels ruin the pleasure of hiking.
Worse, hiking in such a commercialized downtown area, members in the procession may easily become distracted. In other words, chances are good that we cannot resist the temptation of a diversity of engaging street businesses like pendant stalls. Therefore, a more preferable option would be less densely-populated suburban areas like Qingpu and Songjiang. After all, the discovery of Shanghai does not have to be restricted to the city centre.
对于需要详细剖析的第二处改进意见和理由，则需要好好构思。可以Brainstorm一下这条路线存在的诸多问题（2处足够）。分别写出topic sentence (推荐将其放置在段首，容易让阅卷老师抓到你的point)和supporting details(根据实际需要来决定写长还是写短)。
但在写Supporting Sentences的时候，多数学生存在的问题是：无法用一些非常具体、细节的语言让自己的论点更具有说服力。华莱士老师在文中适当地用了一些描述性的短语，比如an overwhelming flow of passengers flock everywhere；sight-seers and hikers bang into each other；temptation of a diversity of engaging street businesses like pendant stalls等。因此在平时的写作操练中，要好好重视这个问题，进行有针对性的词汇训练，扩大学生近义词（组）的储备量才是关键。
I sincerely hope you can take into account my recommendations.
Best Regards
Wang Lei
